1. I'm anti-ambidextrous, which is to say, I'm equally clumsy with either hand or foot.
2. I'm bilingual. I can curse with such proficiency that it is practically a second language to me.
3. I'm a hard core environmental conservationist. Why just tonight I noticed that one of my bushes was being attacked by bagworms and another bush by fungus. So I absolutely drowned the bagworm bush in insecticide and the other bush in fungicide. No amount of poison is too much when I'm trying to save a plant, I tell you what!
4. I'm a dedicated athlete. I'll sit and watch professional sports for hours on end. And not just popular sports like football, but weird sports, too, like the Tour de France and Supercross and Formula 1 racing. I get all out-of-breath just watching these exciting events.
5. I'm a spectacularly skilled driver. Just a month or two ago I was at the Millington Motorsports Park go-kart racing against a small army of men and children. I ran a perfect line and never once used the brakes. I came in 2nd to last, but by God I drove beautifully up until my big crash.
6. I'm super entertaining at parties. All my friends are all the time sending me invites to their parties. And whenever there is dancing I am sure to be sitting in my seat watching them dance and smiling with appreciation for their enthusiasm. True, I rarely ever dance myself, but that's only because I completely suck at it. Perhaps my enthusiasm for other people's dancing is why I get invited? Or perhaps its simply because they send out mass-invites on Facebook and I'm one of a hundred people who receives one? Either way, I can almost always be counted on to reply with 'Maybe.'
7. Women find me fascinating. Everywhere I go, beautiful women pretend to totally ignore me, but I know that they're watching me out of the corner of their eyes and keeping up with my movements. Or perhaps they just think I'm creepy and look like a rapist? Either way, they're thinking about me and that's all that really matters.
8. Animals love me. Even as I write this my cat is sleeping on my foot. I don't know why she's sleeping on my foot, but while she's lying there my other cat has come in and tried to force her to move so he could sleep on my foot. Animals LOVE my feet.
9. I'm the smartest person in the room right now. Granted, I'm alone other than the cat, but she pees in a plastic box filled with crushed clay and eats rodents. How smart can she be?
10. I'm a super smart detective. 2 hours ago "Rizzoli and Isles" came on. It was a new episode. I watched 5 minutes of it, said to the Mrs "the husband did it" and walked out of the room. I didn't get a chance to watch the rest of the episode until the final 10 minutes, but sure enough, it was the husband. By God, I don't know why the FBI doesn't recruit me to come to Washington and solve their toughest cases. I'm damned good at TV mysteries!
|Memphis Steve is my hero!|