Friday, February 07, 2014

Friday Vagina Pie Day!

MEME that I stole!

Put your music player of choice on shuffle and list the first song
OK, don't judge me. My iPod has different genres of music for different purposes. I just downloaded a ton of Metallica songs, so of course the song that came up was "Chemo Limo" by Regina Spektor. I'm not ashamed of my Regina Spektor collection. I just wasn't expecting it.

If you could spend a week anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? Would you take anyone with you?
I’d spend a week in the Bahamas lying on the beach enjoying sun and sand. I'd take Brooklyn Decker with me. And she'd be naked the entire time.

Brooklyn Decker in the Bahamas without me

What is your preferred writing implement? (eg. Blue pen, pencil, green pen)
My computer keyboard is my preferred writing implement, but if I have to use a pen or a pencil I usually use a blue pen. At work I use a mechanical pencil. I like the mechanical pencil because when I'm really super frustrated I can throw it like a knife and it'll stick into the wall.

When did you go on your first trip alone (without your parents)?
I have no idea. I suppose my first trip without parents was to Florida maybe. My first trip totally alone would be have been ... possibly to Memphis. I should never have taken that trip.

Do you have connections to any celebrities (even minor)? List them.
I don't know how much I should tell here. I'll say just this much, I know the bass guitar player from the band Brother Cane, Dave Anderson. He was my guitar teacher in high school and an all around cool guy. I know the lead guitar player from Lord Tracy, Jimmy Rusidoff. Jimmy is a really nice guy and a hell of a great guitar player. Their drummer, Chris Craig, is my neighbor, but I don't really know him. I know Jim Keeling, the drummer with Atlanta Rhythm Section. We did a play together once long ago that I had a big hand in writing, so you know it was twisted.  I don't want to say much else because I don't know who minds being associated with this blog and who doesn't. I'd tell you all about how I finally met Jessica Biel and had wild sweaty sex with her in a taxi, but I may have only dreamed that.

"Oh Memphis Steve, you make me so hot!"
Name 3 items you could pick up from where you are.
My coffee cup, TV remote and my Kel-Tec KSG 15 shot bullpup shotgun.

How would you describe your sense of humor?
Sarcastic, snarky, and occasionally alcohol-twisted.

Do you ever play board games or other non-computer games? Got any favorites?
If I can find a sucker, er, willing competitor I like to play chess. I may cheat a little, but as long as you don't catch me at it I never lose. Speaking of cheating at games, I love to play card games, like Spades or Hearts or Uno or Poker and anything that gives me a good excuse to stay up all night with a bunch of friends and waste the night away when we're supposed to be studying for midterms.

A musical artist you love that isn’t well known.
Um, there's a lot, but I'll just list one because it's really late and I don't have time to go into details. I like Mike Roberts' band 5'ive O'Clock Charlie. Mike is a great guy and his band is kick-ass awesome.

A musical artist you love that is well known.
Deep Purple. Or does it have to be a single artist, as in one person? Ritchie Blackmore is a pretty amazing guitarist, which is half the reason I love Deep Purple so much. Not surprisingly, I also like Rainbow a lot. If you know who Ritchie Blackmore is then you understand.

What is your desktop background currently?
It's a picture of me and Jessica Biel in the car about to have sex. I think it's me anyway. It looks a little like Justin Timberlake, but people often say we look just alike so ...

Jessica Biel and me (allegedly)

Last person you talked to, and through what you talked to them
I talked to my mom. We used Dixie cups tied together with a string. I had to dial 9.

What do you carry your money in?
You know Memphis is a tough, tough town. If you have to carry cash and you want to keep it from getting stolen by the guy holding a gun to your face you have to make a few sacrifices. I don't tell a lot of people this, but I'll tell you.  I keep my cash in my butt. Even when I pull it out and offer to give it to the gang banger with the gun in my face, often he doesn't take it and I get away without losing a dime.

What timekeeping devices are in the room you are currently in?
There's the wicked witch's sand timer telling me when she's coming for the ruby slippers, the clock radio on the bedside table, the TV telling me its' 11:42 pm and 21 degrees outside, my cell phone which is plugged into my computer to recharge because the chargers keep burning out, the computer itself, the microwave, a wristwatch tattoo that I have on my wrist perpetually set to 4:20, and the cell phone belonging to the prostitute lying dead in the floor next to my bed, which all takes us back to the Kel Tech shotgun. Speaking of that, does anyone know how to get blood stains out of carpet? I mean, like a really, really BIG blood stain.

I don't even know where she was keeping that cellphone

What kind of headphones do you use?
I use the old Bell South phone with the cord and pushbuttons and you put the receiver up to your head and when you're mad at the person on the other end you can actually slam the phone down on them. You can also use it to hit a pimp over the head with the phone when he comes to find out what happened to his hooker, which is why they call it a 'head phone' because it will flat knock a brutha out.

What musical artists have you seen perform live?
You don't have that much time for me to list them all.

How often do you clear your browser history?
I clear my browser history whenever my computer has slowed to a crawl and simply killing apps isn't enough to get it back up to speed again. Plus, whenever I've been looking at particularly twisted porn of the sort that burns horrible images into my brain and I want to make sure I don't ever feel the slightest urge to go back and look at that shit again.

Erase! Erase!!!
What’s the best job you’ve ever had?
I once got paid to work as an artist for an advertising/marketing firm that was in need of a lot of posters for some event. That was a blast until I tried to impress a hot girl I was working with by throwing a flying side kick through a doorway with a lower than expected upper doorframe. I got a lovely concussion and left a dent in the wood from my skull.

What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
Oh, so many to choose from. I once worked for a company called Swisher. All I did all day was drive around to clients' businesses and clean their bathrooms.

What magazines do you read, if any?
Hot Rod, Car Craft, Super Chevy, Guitar Player, Guitar Techniques, Writer's Digest, Playboy (no big surprise there), Popular Mechanics, Reason, and many, many more!

Oh wow, am I done? Is that it? Well okay then.


  1. A very interesting insight...
    YOU PLAY CHESS! Me too. And hearts. Just so you know, I'd totally kick your arse.
    I think Brooklyn looks a bit squelchy to be honest.

    1. Juliette, I do indeed play chess. I actually get nervous and feel adrenaline rushing through me as the pieces are being set up because I'm hyper competitive about it and want to win so badly. I don't know why because I don't feel that way about other board games or cards. I react to chess like a fist fight or athletic competition for some reason. Ooooh, you're goin' DOWN!

      Squelchy Brooklyn? Ha ha! Yes, I'd love to sit in a sauna with her and listen to her squelch.

    2. Pffft! Bring your game face squelch lover!

    3. Juliette, I'll bring my game face, chess set and we'll play in the sauna just to make it interesting.

  2. Replies
    1. Susie, RACIST! No, I'm joking. I guess that'd make you an inkest, if there is suck a thing. Certainly spellcheck seems not to think so, as it is underlining the word and shouting at me.

    2. SUCH a thing, not suck a thing. Sorry about that.

  3. I can see that you are in a "mood" with this one. Hahahaha. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I will start with the MOST disturbing bit (and there were several)... I really, really, really hope that your sarcastic wit was in play with the dead hooker thing. My oh my. Someone needs to work on his novel;)

    It probably comes as no shock to you, but I tend to roll past the pics of the naked girls as fast as possible. Just not really into that. But that one disturbing porno pic... I am not sure I can erase that from my brain. So thanks a lot! It's like taking a bite of something rotten. You want to forget it, but can't.

    Oh I remember (with a degree of fondness) the old phones. You really could slam those suckers down. BUT you were always chained to the wall. So, I remember the thrill of that first cordless telephone. Oh, the joy of being able to walk and talk.

    First vacation without the parents. This one is easy for me. I was in college and went to Cancun over winter break. That was a really fun trip until I accidentally drank some of the water. After that it was less fun.There is a reason Mexicans live on beer and tequila.

    And, last but not least, I dedicated something to you on the HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY post. I hope you like it:

    1. Robin, I did not have sex with that prostitute, Monica Lewinsky ... no, I'm joking. They don't have street hookers here. Now if I had been in Memphis at the time you might wonder, but no, no dead hookers here.

      I stumbled across that porno picture and just thought "what in hell can this possibly be??" It was too perfect.

      I am coming over to see what you dedicated to me. I very much appreciate these, you know. Thanks much!

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. I miss slamming down those old phone receivers as well. I knew how to rewire them so once they rang, they wouldn't stop. I liked rapidly hitting the hang-up buttons in numeric sequence on the rotary phones and it would dial the number. I had a song book I wrote of songs that could be played on the later push button phones. Each number was a pitch and pushing multiple numbers gave even more pitches.

    Pentel EnerGel 1.0ml pens. I've gotten more people hooked on those. I have to order the 1.0ml as they are hard to find. .07ml is ok. .07 and 1.0 mechanical pencils as well.

    Ever grab your shotgun instead of the remote?

    1. Bronx, I had forgotten about people playing songs on the old pushbutton phones! Those things were awesome. I have so little respect for the modern cell phones. It's not wonder people use them to access the internet and text more than they do as actual phones because they suck as actual phones most of the time.

      I'm happy to say my remote looks and feels nothing like my shotgun. It could get messy if they were similar. And I've have to buy a new TV.

  6. She'd be naked the entire time? Sounds like a plan. I hope that cab wasn't too expensive though.

    1. Blue, whatever the cost, it'd be worth it to have Brooklyn Decker naked in the Bahamas with me for a week straight.

  7. Mechanical pencil for me too. & blue pens.

    1. AlleyC, great blogging minds think alike!

  8. Spades! Yes! My uncle was a prison rat and when he got out, he taught me to play Spades like a pro.

    And I have a bunch of different songs for different tasks on my ipod too. Working out, cleaning, crafting, ect.

    1. Theresa, I graduated from a university that felt a bit like a prison and during those years I became quite good at playing spades. Maybe one day you and I and 2 others can play?

      I need my electronica music for the treadmill. Without it the monotony is unbearable. But I never listen to it otherwise.


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