What Not to Say When Pulled Over by a Cop

Sometimes it can be shocking how ignorant people can be about how to behave when confronted by a police officer. Joking, laughing, or being insulting are not uncommon reactions to an unexpected run-in with a professional law enforcer trained to torture and kill ordinary citizens. For the benefit of the truly clueless, the following are a few tips about Things To Say, and Things Not To Say, when confronted by a heavily armed and potentially psychotic police officer.

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Things To Say


1. "Hello officer, what seems to be the problem?"

Here you have acknowledged that you recognize the armed government agent standing before you as a law enforcement professional and indicated your intention of speaking calmly and politely to them.



2. "Did I do something wrong?"

This may be said while displaying hands out to the side, palms up, which has the added benefit of showing the officer that you have nothing in your hands and are thus unarmed. Should the officer desire to shoot you, the fact that you are unarmed means he or she will have to use their portable torture gun, or Taser, if they should decide to go ahead and shoot you. This is not necessarily a huge improvement over being shot with a .40 caliber handgun, as the Taser was designed to target the external genitalia and destroy them, which often has the side-effect of killing male victims through shear unbearable pain. Nevertheless, the chances of your surviving being shot with a Taser without having a giant hole where your groin used to be is much higher than it is with the .40 caliber handgun.




3. "Here is my identification."

Don't even discuss what the officer wants with you. Just hand over your ID and wait for them to start the argument. That's a safe way to go. Maybe the officer won't be in a bad mood and will simply yell at you for a moment before taking your license back to their patrol car to call in the information and check for any outstanding warrants on you. Of course, if there are any outstanding warrants you might want to just go ahead and lie face down on the pavement before they find out. This makes it easier for them to handcuff you and also hides the entire front of your body, including your groin, from the Taser, even if only temporarily. Just giving up as fast as possible is usually a good idea.



4. *nothing*

Just don't say anything. Whatever the officer wants will probably be made known to you in short order. No need to prompt for it. Say nothing. Don't smile or laugh or frown or show any sign of emotion whatever. A blank slate can be a safe way to go with a heavily armed, often angry, servant of arbitrary and treacherous politicians. Think about it, if you worked for a bunch of politicians and carried weapons as part of that job, wouldn't you be an often-angry jerk? Probably so. Just keep that in mind and shut your mouth until required to respond to whatever is asked of you. Always remember, this person often WANTS to hurt you. Making a felony arrest for resisting arrest helps an officer get promoted quicker. Don't offer an excuse because he'll jump right on it.



5. "Please, please don't hurt me! I have a heart condition and three children who have nowhere else to live if I die!"

Sometimes openly admitting that you are crapping in your pants in fear isn't a bad way to go. If you're a female it will almost always work in your favor. It's like crying only without the actual tears. If you're a male it's risky because the officer may take it as a pathetic sign of weakness and decide to torture you as punishment for being unmanly, which is ironic seeing as the Tasers they carry were specifically designed to literally and permanently emasculate males when applied to the groin, as instructed by the manufacturer. Nevertheless, in this age of patrol car cameras, an immediate show of absolute fear and submission can work in your favor in court should the officer fry you.



Always remember, many police officers are decent human beings just trying to do an often-difficult job that has to be done, and to do it as fairly and reasonably as possible. But also remember, some police officers are deeply unhinged sadists looking for any excuse to hurt you in the worst possible way and in the worst possible places. You have no way of knowing which one you're dealing with, so always assume the worst and try not to provoke them.

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Things NOT To Say

1. "What the fuck?! Why are you pigs always hassling me?!"

If you are female and reasonably attractive, ala Lindsey Lohan, you can probably get away with this. Otherwise, it's instant Tasertown for you. In some instances, as regulation of the use of the torture device is increasingly strict, it might simply lead to a quick and severe beating ending in an old-fashioned choke-out. Cops who enjoy hurting people always seem to love the choke-out. Usually they say "nighty night" as they're doing it. I don't know why. It's nearly universal that they do that for some reason. There was probably some lame movie where a cop choked out a guy and said that and now it's become the new "go ahead, make my day" of the police world. Either way, by the time they get to the choke-out they have probably already broken several of your ribs, ruptured your testicles, shattered a cheekbone and eye socket, and knocked out a few of your teeth, so don't make the mistake of thinking that an angry cop is simply going to choke you into unconsciousness and then you'll wake up harmlessly in jail. You may not wake up at all, and if you do it'll be in the floor of the jail where you'll be waiting an hour or two for the ambulance to come get you after they've printed, photographed and fully processed you into the system.


First we handcuff you, then maybe later your broken leg gets attention

2. "WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?!"

Shouting "what's the problem" at the officer, usually with clenched fists and teeth and no ID in hand, especially when said from the comfort of your car, is always a bad idea. The response you'll get is nearly always going to be that you'll be told to get out of the car, followed by the officer pulling your ass out through the window for a full-fledged beatdown. I won't even go into the specifics of what will be done to you as it is a given, if you are male, that you will be sexually assaulted and tortured, usually with a Taser, and you will end up in the hospital being told by a doctor that your life will never be the same again as he shows you how to properly wear adult diapers. Viagra can't fix this.


A bullet to the groin is never good for you

3. "I'm not so think as you drunk I am, Oliver, er, Ociffer."

Often, when a person is drunk off their ass, they manage to convince themselves that they can 'act' sober and fool everyone. Sure, you've had 12 shots of Vodka straight up plus more beers than you can remember, but you're smarter than most people, right? You can fool'em. You can talk you way out of this. Any time you find yourself thinking, "sure I'm drunk, but I'll bet he won't notice if I just say enough highly intelligent things as quickly as possible" it is a sure sign that you are only going to make matters worse. You think you're saying, "hello officer, isn't it a lovely night? I was just out with my friends having a nice talk about economics." And in reality what comes out of you, filtered by the toxins in your brain, is "heshmo oprafer, ishm't lubly blight? I wash ... I wash jess fawkin' a goose behin'da bar feathers in mah mouth penis blabbabdy blah thppppt." And what the officer interprets this to mean is "I'm drunk. Please beat me up and arrest me." Just shut up.



4. "I can't find my pants. My ID is in my pants. Why aren't I wearing any pants?!"

Any time you find yourself out in public with missing clothing, especially if any sensitive parts are exposed as a result, it is a very bad situation for you to be in, especially if you encounter a cop at this point in time. There are endless news stories of pantless men being shot directly in the genitals by Tasers, with the Taser dart literally spearing their genitalia like a scuba diver's spear gun through a fish, after which it fried the whole thing with 50,000 volts of theoretically illegal sexual torture. The articles rarely mention the consequences of this genital assault, but when they do it is always the same result - total and complete impotence and incontinence for the rest of the poor victim's life. Yes, you read that right, dead manhood and diapers for the rest of your life. If you see a cop and you are without any pants, lie face down on the ground immediately, legs tight together and make sure your junk is safely tucked completely under you where it can't be easily Tasered. And shut up. Just the fact that you haven't got any pants on is enough to tell you that you're going to jail. Give up while you still can.


No pants

5. "Oh yeah, I'd like to see you MAKE me!"

This response to police commands is the equivalent of taking off all your clothing and painting a big bullseye on yourself. It's a fools way of saying, "I wonder how much abuse my body can withstand before I die? Why don't we find out?" Often when an obnoxious intoxicated person is arrested they get a beating somewhere along the way. Sometimes that beating includes electric Taser rape and literal emasculation. And sometimes it means a beatdown so severe that you actually die right then and there, or maybe you hang on overnight and die early the next morning in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of your body while your momma and your significant other stand over you and cry. None of these are good options. It's best to try to remember that no matter how obnoxious and wrong the police officer might be, don't ever say or do anything that could give them an excuse to hurt you. Especially if you live in Memphis. Because we have a lot of Memphis police officers who love to beat the shit out of people of all colors and sexes and nationalities every chance they get. Try to focus on the arsenal of weapons and torture devices covering the police officers belts. Think about how incredibly many ways they have available to them to hurt you right there on those belts. Wonder about how in the hell do they even sit down with all that stuff on? But mostly, be afraid. Be very afraid. Cry if you have to. Faint if you can't help yourself. But don't mouth off or offer to fight with the officer. Nothing good is going to come of it for you if you do. It won't impress your friends to hear you screaming like a girl. It won't impress your girl to see you Tasered in the groin and peeing yourself uncontrollably. They want to hurt you. That is their job. Some of them became cops specifically because they enjoy hurting people so very, very much. They are training every single day with the idea of how best to hurt you while you are sitting on your ass watching "Survivor" and eating potato chips. Death by police officer is no way to go. Trust me on this. Shut your mouth. Do what they say. Don't argue. Don't fight back. run