No Anal Please

I was up late, late, late last night writing a lovely post for all of you, my three loyal readers, when I suddenly looked at it and realized, "this is utter shit." So I stuffed it away and here I am with no time and really nothing specific to say.

Have you ever noticed how the women in porn films try so hard to make any and every sexual act look like they just love, love, love it? But when it comes to taking it in the ass, well, even the best of the porn stars can't make it look like anything other than ... porn. They try to make the patented open mouth and moan expression, but in unguarded moments, or rather unedited, the look on their faces just says "get your dick out of my ass, you fuckhead!" It's true. God never intended for porn stars to take it up the ass. That's why he gave them vaginas and extra large mouths.

Did you read the news story about the Balloon Boy? Yeah, I could link to it, but I'm too lazy and if you haven't already read it by now then chances are it held no interest for you so why would you click the link this time, right? See, I'm always thinking about shit like this.

Is it just me, or are all of you, my Blogrades, noticing that as you write a new post Blogger underlines every single word, as if they are all misspelled? What's up with that? Maybe it has changed my settings to Chinese and expects me to write in little cartoon characters? I should probably check that.

Madonna is in the news again. Her neighbor has called the cops on her for being too loud and obnoxious. Remember when Madonna would be in the news for fucking donkeys and ugly Italian men with porn mustaches and shit like that? Now she's in the news for being a lousy neighbor. My how times have changed. I'll bet even Madonna can't make anal look like she's enjoying it. Speaking of that, doesn't Sean Penn have a face that looks like he's perpetually taking it up the ass and is not happy about it? It's true. Go Google him and see for yourself. No, I'm not going to upload a fucking picture. Geez, you are SO lazy.

America has another scientist spy that has been caught selling our national secrets. Stewart Nozette said he thought he was selling our secrets to Israel, which somehow makes it OK I guess. But as it turns out, he was selling them to Canada. Yep, those damn Canadians are always sneaking across our borders in Zambonis and blowing shit up. Damn Maple Leafs fans! We'll get you one of these days, eh!



There's a fabulous article out on Yahoo about tired people (me) and various things we do at the office that zap our energy. Or is it 'sap' our energy? Anyway, I'm not going to Google something as stupid as zap vs sap, so let's just build a bridge and get over it so we can move on, shall we?

Energy Zapper #1 - Being addicted to email

OK, I get way too much email and that's a fact. I get email all over the damn place. I even have an email account that is so old, almost everything in it is junk emails that overwhelm me. So I mostly abandoned that account. Yes, I gave you that email address, Steph, and I know you emailed me there once, but I almost didn't even see it because it was stuffed between emails from Senator Lamar Alexander and Men's Health Girlish Tip of the Week. But I'll be honest with you guys, lately I have been flipping through my email like a German speed train, trashing anything and everything I just don't have time to give a shit about and only responding to emails that are very, very important (hot girls.) It does eat too much of my time and detract from my productivity, that's for sure. But it's not half as bad as it used to be when I felt compelled to repond to every single email.


Energy Zapper #2 - Visual Clutter

OK, you got me. I have projects out the ass and little piles relating to each project all around my office. And on the corner of my desk is a pile of newspapers relating to the financial and political events of the day, which has been depressing the hell out of me these past 2 years, but nevertheless, is important for me to know. But as I complete the projects, the little pile associated with it goes either into the recycle bin (yay, I'm SUPER green here) or else into a folder in case I need to refer back to it at a later date. Of course, the projects I keep in a folder, I never need to refer back to, and the projects I recycle I always do. That's just how it works. Fuck me.


Energy Zapper #3 - Being bored

Listen, life is never boring when you work primarily with Microsoft products. Frustrating as hell maybe. Lots of screaming and cussing and throwing things across the office, sure. But boring? Never.


Energy Zapper #4 - Poor Posture

Oh come on, have you ever seen a genius at work in his office? I used to know a guy back in college, a grad student, who would work in his office with the lights off, slouched so far down in his chair that you almost couldn't see him. I swear if he could have gotten them to assign him a recliner he'd have used that. People were always commenting that he almost appeared to be asleep in there until they looked more closely. Genius losers are notorious for poor posture. And poor fashion, too. Right now I'm wearing a $40 pair of Dockers and a polo shirt I probably got at WalMart and which has a tiny hole the washer made while fading it from electric blue to a dull Buick blue and turning the black stripes into gray. And I am considered pretty fashion-concious by genius loser standards. You should see some of the other guys.


Energy Zapper #5 - Toxic Indoor Air

Hey listen now, guys fart. That's just what we do. Don't give me a bunch of shit about it. If you don't like it, turn on the fan and get out.


Energy Zapper #6 - Eating too much at once

Too much what? The article doesn't say. Or I am too lazy to read further and see. I don't have any food in my office. At lunch I eat whatever I can get, which is usually nothing except a protein shake. Yeah, you'd think this would mean I was all lean and ripped and looking awesome, what with my working out so hard and then only taking a protein shake for lunch every day. But no, you'd be wrong if you thought that. I look like a pile of shit in Dockers and a faded polo shirt from Walmart.


Energy Zapper #7 - Living in Artificial Light

I have 2 big windows in my office which allow me to see the Fall rain and gloom all day long and soak up that despair with every cell in my body. True, the lights overheard are artificial, but there's a hint of sun sneaking through all that darkness out there and I'm sure it's somehow helping me grow a nice healthy root system in preparation for Winter's suicidal gloom.


Energy Zapper #8 - Listening to Negative Nellies

I live in the most feminist nation on Earth. We export the hate to other nations because we have such a huge surplus of it. It's in every news story, every commercial, every billboard along the highway, every rock song in which a grown man sings about babies and afterbirth, every police policy, every speech by President Obama - the first lesbian president in America, and sure as hell in every law and bill on Capitol Hill. So as far as negative nellies go, it all depends on your point-of-view. If the destruction of the entire male sex is something that makes you smile then this is the country for you. But if not, its hard to smile without closing your eyes and pretending you're living on the moon, far away from all the haters and cunts. Don't even get me started. God, I'm tired. SOOO tired of it.


Energy Zapper #9 - Holding a Grudge

The article seems to indicate that actively holding a grudge against an individual takes a lot of energy. I think that must be why my wife is so tired at the end of each day. Did you know that women remember every single tiny little thing that you ever did that offends them, irritates them, or mildly rubs them the wrong way? Yes, every single thing! She can remember things she says I did 10 years ago, which I don't even recall doing. And she's mad about it, by God! I'm too busy dealing with the latest new attacks from hate groups funded unknowingly by American taxpayers to actively focus on something done to me a long, long time ago. But when that does happen to me it's called a "flashback" and I try to shake it off and move on as quickly as I can. That's what iPods and loud heavy metal music is for. That's what alcohol is for. That's what casual sex is for. It helps you to take that pain and shove it way down deep inside, because nothing is ever going to be done about it. My representatives in government have made that abundantly clear to me. Their job is to do not one damn thing to benefit me. And my job is to blog about what a bunch of useless cunts they all are. Grudges? Who's got the time for grudges? There's so much shit going on right now, today, in my face, that I can barely remember my own fucking name, let alone what shit you did to me years ago. Shut the fuck up and get me another drink!