It's a very sad thing to see a top-notch blog end. I know we all have our reasons for closing down when the time comes, but Ms. Smack is an icon out here in blogworld. She's decided to hang it up and say 'goodbye.' Even though I can still harass her on Facebook, it just isn't the same. I'm going to miss reading The Smack.
I've been trying something new here lately. I'm trying to figure out how to actually make some kind of difference for good. This is easier said than done as I have discovered that a middle class, white, male, with no media connections and no billionaire CEOs backing me, doesn't get much attention from anyone in politics. My own state governor, when asked to look into some basic human rights issues, effectively told me that he doesn't have the power to pass laws or oversee anything of that nature in the state of which he is governor. This is what is commonly known as 'passing the buck', or as I call it "begging to be impeached."
What is the deal with men's dress pants? I sat through a meeting with an attractive woman on my right, and an attractive woman on my left, and one of those weird men's pants 'pyramids' on my crotch that form whenever we sit down in dress pants. It makes it appear as if I have an erection. What am I supposed to do with this situation? Should I laugh and then just (gently) smash it flat with my hand? Should I scoot under the table, like men do with a real erection when it arises at such an inopportune time? Or should I do what I did, and just sit there ignoring it and assuming that both women knew it was just empty air and material? It's kind of embarassing. And apparently it's somewhat distracting for the women.
I've had a piece of glass stuck in the bottom of my foot for at least 6 months. It's microscopic and impossible for me to see. For a time I thought I had actually removed it, but I was wrong. I have been unable to run at all because my foot has been feeling bruised up until just recently, when I tried to solve this problem, only to make my foot hurt much, much worse. So, I'm going to see the father of a hot girl I knew in back school, a man who happens to be a foot doctor, in the hope that he can find the broken glass with some machine and then dig it out. It's in so deep that I can no longer point to exactly where the pain is and say "that's where you should cut." So, this is going to be loads of fun. Ever had a shot in the soul of your foot? I have. It's sort of like having your genitals pierce. It hurts.
It won't quit raining here in the Deep South. Atlanta, Georgia, has received so much rain that they've actually had fatalities associated with the flash floods. It's ironic because for over 10 years they've had drought and were reaching a critical water shortage. So they actually need this rain, just not quite so fast that it washes babies out of mother's arms and carries them to their deaths.
In case you're still reading this, first of all, thank you, and second, you may be wondering "where's the funny?" Well, I'm exhausted today and not feeling overly funny. I told every joke I know at the gym already and now I need some new ones. So, how about you write me a joke in the comments so I can go back to the gym and impress all the hard-bodies with my awesome sense of humor via new jokes I stole from you?
OK, so it takes more than jokes to impress women at the gym, but jokes are all I've got. I'm no Justin Timberlake, you know. Jessica Biel isn't going to give me the time of day if I'm not making her laugh.
Help! Toss me a joke before she kills me!
19 comments:
A slug is sexually assaulted by a turtle.
Policeman: What happended?
Slug: I don't know. It all happened so fast.
PMSFL@ XL!!!
I'm hopeless at jokes... better at forwarding them on in emails, than trying to remember them. ;)
We should start a petition to bring back the smack...what say you???
Ouchies for the foot... and I have had that happen to me, so know your frustrations of not seeing the little fecker.
hope the hot chicks dad can get it out for you.
those chicks sitting next to you must think you've a right old large willy, hey?! let 'em keep on thinking that....i reckon men should have a contraption like us chicks with our push up bras... a push up tent thing. =))
Thanks for the sweet mention honey.
I'll see you round the traps from time to time.
xx
Bahahahaha
I have a pair of suit pants that do the same tent thing!!!! I've often wondered A: has anyone noticed & B: what did they think......
I do the smash thing, but I think you should flatter them by leaving it up :0)
Poor tootsie - hope the "surgery" goes well.
I'll email you the last joke I laughed out loud at.....
XL, that's a good one. I'll be repeating that at the gym tomorrow. Thanks!
Ute, I actually read about a pair of men's underwear that has pads in the ass and crotch. It's not so much like a push-up bra as a padded bra, but it's good to know that someone is thinking of us.
MsSmack, you're more than deserving of it. I hate to see you go.
AlleyC, for a man the risk of self-injury from doing the smash thing is my biggest fear. Better to have them think I have a boner than to hit myself in the nuts and have them laughing at my pain and humilation.
Hmmm... the pants thing... what I call ye olde pecker puff...I dont know why they do that... if Im sitting next to a woman that has a sense of humor, I apologize and tell her its an optical illusion... and that its really bigger than that...
Shoes
About the tent thang?
Boet, the chicks love the tent thang because of "the unknown"
Like the x files, only better!
The way to deal with it is to make eye contact with them.. slowly, not creepy eye contact.. but hold the eye contact..
The pretty miss will back down thinking...
1. You are super confident..
2. You have a big dick..
Then slip her your business card..
ps.
1. jessica whom?
2. and who is she throttling?
Where's the funny...
We notice the pants tent and we always find it amusing whether we know there's a dick holing up that fabric or not.
Speaking from experience, a shot in the foot is nothing like a genital piercing.
Red, see, I didn't know if these women had a sense of humor or not. All I knew was I had an Egyptian pyramid in my lap and I couldn't think of a dignified way to squash it.
Levi, so you're saying I need to make eye contact with Steph down there and then slip her my business? That sounds like a good plan to me.
Fingers, that's what I'm sayin'. I think I must be tired or something.
Steph, it's good to know that I can always get a laugh from a hot chick using nothing more than my crotch.
Zeb, you did NOT get your junk pierced! AUGH!
FUCK! Another fab blogger rides off into the sunset.
I can't comment to her blog...security stuff, you know. There is an end to the blog road. I've felt like doing that myself several times. I do love reader her though.
later brother...and just be yourself. You'll do fine. xx
"This is easier said than done as I have discovered that a middle class, white, male, with no media connections and no billionaire CEOs backing me, doesn't get much attention from anyone in politics."
Ever tried taking a bolt action rifle up a cooling tower ? Or better still into a book depository ???
I've a brass slither in my finger - still there after 7 months. - not as noticeable as the steel rod in my pants tho.
I'm more or less priapic - if anyone has a problem whit that - fuck-em. It's not illegal to have an erection. Don't be embarrassed by tenting - say it loud, be proud of your satyriasis.
Q: Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ
-------
Q: Why do women wear makeup and use perfume?
A: Because they are ugly and they stink.
-------
Q: What would you get if cows could fly ?
A: A pat on the head.
I said slip the business card!! Although slipping her the business does have a certain appeal..
But then you are more in the know than me..
PS/ Tiffy says "Hi" :)
Speaking of slipping the business..
I will trade you Tiffy's cel number if you can get me dat Ally Cats cel number above me...
Deal? :)
Spiky, I know, it's very sad. I understand that when it ceases to be fun or fulfill a need then you must stop, but even so, I wish she wasn't quitting.
ElectroK, I was thinking instead of taking a Taser to Washington and seeing how many members of Congress I could fry before I myself am burned to a cinder by D.C. police.
Uni_Stephen, I had to look up satyriasis because I had never heard of it before. I would be prouder of it if I were more successful. Perhaps the perpetual erection is giving me away? I loved those 3 jokes and thanks for including them. I'm scared to use the 2nd one, but at some point, when I get a few drinks in me, I might let it slip out.
Levi, I seriously doubt that AlleyCat will give me her cell number, but I can at least tell you the first 2 digits of it: +61. Whatever comes after that is going to require some detective work or major seducing on my part to get out of her.
So where are you with your pitched tent????
Steph, I've been out like a one-hump camel, wandering the desert looking for you, sweetie!
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