My cooter hurts
That's just so freaky. I'm sorry and I know it's all this great medical miracle and blah blah, but if it's gross to kiss your sister then it's gross for your mother-in-law to have your baby, too. Yuck!
No counseling, thanks, we have a bottle
Apparently both members of this newlywed couple had been divorced several times and were feeling a bit fearful that perhaps something might be wrong with them. They took their message in a bottle as a sign that this time would be different and this marriage would last. It's a bit of pointless superstition, like wishing on a star or tossing coins in a fountain or voting.
The truly shocking part of this story is that this did not occur at the Redneck Olympic Games. No, it was just a standard demolition derby. And the other drivers didn't give this guy one inch with his stuffed rabbit and diamond ring mounted on his "Will You Marry Me" car. No sir, they smashed his ass up and he came in third. But at least she said 'yes.' YeeHA, and let's all go to WalMart!
No, there is no church in China. This was all done by the very "progressive" Communist Church, I mean, Party, the same Communist Party that was recently busted AGAIN for funneling millions of dollars to the Clinton Presidential campaign fund. Separation of church and state? No, they burn the church and then set up a new one in which they play the part of God. That's how this game is played. Now, take down all those offensive bra and vibrator ads and put on some decent clothes, you sluts, before our Great Leader gets here and sees you looking unladylike!
Big boy
Welcome to Memphis, boys and girls. This 21-year-old giant of a man was shot to death at the University of Memphis and no one saw a thing. Or rather, no one saw anything out of the ordinary, 'cause this shit happens all the time. The only really shocking aspect of this story is that this guy was 5'11" and weighed 300 pounds. Shit, that's one big dude!
South Africa used to be puritan? Wow, all I have ever heard about that place is apartheid and then after that rape and murder and more rape and more murder. When was it ever a Christian place? This must have been well before the big "Free South Africa" movement in the '80s 'cause it's a big shithole now. No wonder the Marxists were so determined to destroy it. I had always wondered about that.
Can you hear me now?
Ear lifting? Wow, there's an event few teenage boys will ever aspire to master. "Dude, I can lift way more than you with my ears!" This Pakistani dream-boat lifted 137 pounds with his frickin' ear! That's almost as much as BottleBlonde was squatting when she farted on the Bionic Woman in her gym just the other day!
Al Franken has given up his radio show and taken to swimming around attacking young boys in lakes.
The Austrian police caught BottleBlonde doing squats near the U.S. Embassy and were concerned that she was trying to blow it up with her farts.
I think I can! I think I can! Toot toot!
This Jewish New York woman went apeshit at the airport in Phoenix, Arizona, and was handcuffed and taken to a holding cell where she was theoretically supposed to calm down. They say they later found her dead and believe she was trying to slip the handcuffs over her head, but accidently strangled herself in the process. Most interesting of all is the great lengths they go to in making a point of saying "we did NOT Taser her!" Anyway, this is yet another reason Americans no longer like to fly - batshit crazy New Yorkers going bonkers in the terminals.
Turns-ons include flying, drama, handcuffs, and asphyxiation
"High" Court just about sums it up. They saw a chance to restore part of the battered First Amendment and said, "Naw, that might piss off our rich hedonistic friends who throw all the best parties. We wouldn't dream of doing that." And so they hid under the table and shouted in unison, "nobody's home!"
18 comments:
Whoa! Yeah, I saw that on the news this morning about the UM student. Heck, the player were always "dealin" when I went through there! Nothing new, just as you said.
you got it all wrong ... not her coochie ... they cut her ass open ...
South Africa...pure...sure.... That's why we're so desperately trying to get our baby girl out of there. If SA is pure, I would hate to see what hell is like!!!
Hey, I put a funny up for you folks south of the border. And for those of us who dislike all things "I"/apple.
I am so grateful that I do not read your blog with people around.I am laughing so hard with tears rolling down my face!You are too much!The dogs have been giving me worried looks!!!
Perfect news snippets
Nothing like coming home after a 12 hour shift and sitting down to read the "news".
What, no Britney comments today???
Al Franken has given up his radio show and taken to swimming around attacking young boys in lakes.
BAAAAHAHAHAHAhahaha! You have no idea how tickled I was to read that.
And I have to THANK YOU for giving me so many shout outs (or is it, ass outs?) in this post, Memphis Steve! Just for that, you get the honor of sticking your face between my boobs. How does that make you feel?
I heard about that women who choked herself with the handcuffs in a holding cell. She must of been going NUTS for them to throw her in there and then triple nuts to try and get out of the cuffs. holy shit that must of been a scary time for her.
I don' want to tut tut this woman but really, if she had of just kept her shit together and practised a little patience at the airport, she wouldnt' of got herself in this mortal pickle.
All great, Memphis Stefan. How does a middle-aged alcoholic woman in handcuffs choke herself to death?
Still, you gotta love a middle aged woman alcoholic in handcuffs.
Dear Penthouse...
"a middle-aged alcoholic woman in handcuffs"
Wow...spooky! That's like looking in a mirror....only my handcuffs are all velvety. ;)
And those amoebas are some serious shit (despite your Al crack cracking me up). We've had those little bastards here for years in our lakes....with warning signs all over the place.
Still, you'd be amazed at all the idiots you'll see water skiing and swimming in the 90ยบ waters around here. Duh.
wanted to tell you that I loved your comment on my last post - you are real and I love that!
Wow I read every one and didn't even skim.. am I getting smarter or something? LOL
Liquid, after what I saw on the news last night this looks to be more serious. He was shot and that same day a track star was shot 1 hour away at Ole Miss. They aren't sure yet, but it appears to have been connected. This is a bigger deal than I originally thought.
MBK, oooh, I hate those!
FWIW, all I remember about South Africa is the billionaire New York communists trying to overthrow the white government and put the black communists in charge, which they eventually did. And after that, the deluge! I've met a few South Africans here in Memphis who fled and ended up here. Little did they realize that Memphis isn't that much of an improvement. But they were all really nice and really good-looking. And in college I was friends with a Zulu who fled South Africa. He was a great guy.
FrasyP, I had no idea I had such an impact. If you ever wet your panties from laughing I am not responsible, but I'd love to know about it. I have only once before made someone wet themselves from laughing and I'm anxious to repeat the achievement.
Bella, I didn't get her headline story until after I had posted this. I figured she would always be around to joke about.
MaskedBlonde, how does sticking my face between your boobs make me feel? When I get there and am in position if you reach down (very carefully) you can see for yourself how I feel. I think it will be obvious, like a happy dog with a long wagging tail.
BettyBoob, I heard later that she was going to New York for an alcoholics anonymous meeting or something, so perhaps she was having some problems due to the lack of a drink or something? It's not clear, but the story got more interesting the more I heard. I expect because it was a woman who died that there will be more reported on this one.
LightningBB, I like the way you think. I wonder if she was found handcuffed to a wall with her knickers down and somehow or other she choked on something? Hmmm, could be. Those airport feds aren't always so carefully screened, you know.
StacyPQ, and boy howdy, I like the way YOU think, too! Velvety handcuffs, eh? In the words of Rosemary Clooney, "come on over to MY HOUSE!" As for the amoebas, you're right that they're no joke. I didn't even know they existed, but holy cow, what a nightmare!
MBKM, I'm flattered that you think of me as being real. There are those who say, rather than being real, that I am an asshole. But I say, po-tAY-toe po-tAH-toe.
PattiC, I'd prefer to think that I am getting more interesting, but that is just my ego talking.
Once again, I am here to get the latest news. I love the whole ear lifting thing! When will you post on the pecker lifting event?
I like handcuffs. Why in the world would anyone want to get out of them?
Your Al Franken remark made me spew Cherry Coke Zero out my nose.
Thanks! I needed a good laugh!
lol, I can always count on your for keeping me up to date with all the important shit going on in the world.
Love your work.
Poody, there really is some sort of pecker lifting record, you know? Why anyone would want to do that is beyond me, but if it makes the headlines any time soon you can rest assured it will be mentioned here.
MistressPrunella, do you really? Well it's funny you should mention that, because I just happen to have a new pair and I was hoping I might find someone to help me test them. It's only 200 miles from Memphis to Nashville and at the speed I'd be going I could make it in about an hour.
Dixie, I'm sorry for wasting your Cherry Coke, but I'm glad I could make you laugh.
Steph, it's a service I offer. This and handcuffs and foot massages are all part of my standard repertoire.
Steve,
If that ever happens I hope I am in the geriatric ward!!!
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