Laundering Me

I don't know when this first started happening, so I can't very well try to analyze it, but something has gone wrong between me and water.

I got out of the shower yesterday and dried off. Or so I thought. And then I got dressed. I was walking down the hall to the kitchen when I suddenly felt like someone had thrown a glass of water at me and soaked my left side.

WTF?

So I went back to the bathroom, took off my shirt, and dried off my side.

Funny, I could have sworn I did that already.

This morning I got out of the shower and dried off. I'm pretty damned sure of this. And then I got dressed. I'm walking all the way into the kitchen when I suddenly feel like there is water all over my left arm and it is soaking into my shirt.

WTF? I was totally dry 2 seconds ago and now I'm pouring like a fountain from my arm? What's up with that?

I go back up the hall and into the bathroom, take off my shirt and dry off my arm. Then I put my shirt back on and go back to the kitchen.

By the time I reached the kitchen I felt water coming out of my bellybutton and soaking my shirt.

Yes, my bellybutton.

Is this some kind of sign from God? Am I spontaneously spewing water from my skin for some religious reason? Maybe if I looked at the wet spots it makes in my shirts I would see the Virgin Mary, you know, the same way antiChristers in California see the 10 Commandments whenever they look at bird poop on the walls of courthouses or stare hard at ink stains on $20 bills and feel compelled to immediately sue for it?

I thought people were supposedly dehydrated first thing in the morning, but apparently I have a surplus.

Maybe I just need to get a new towel?