Sunday, November 23, 2014

Is This Weird?

The cuteness is an evil deception

I think it's hilarious to fart on The Kitten, this furry little black monster that has taken over our house and chased away our two other cats. It doesn't seem to faze her, but it always breaks me up with laughter. Keep in mind, this is the kitten that I have to pull out of the toilet while I'm peeing because she is so fascinated with the whole toilet thing that she jumps in it every time we open the lid. I think she'd sleep in there if we'd let her. Is this weird?

When I first started blogging I had a little keychain camera that I used to take actual photos of the idiots who targeted me in traffic for abuse. Recently I purchased an in-dash camera to run in my car whenever I'm driving. The idea behind the camera is that if you are in an accident and it isn't your fault, this camera will provide proof for you. For me, I don't have a lot of crashes, but I do have a lot of asshats who target me simply because they feel like being a shit to some random stranger and they've chosen me. Then I blog about it. With this camera, now I can not only tell you about it, but as long as the camera is working and I have time to mess with uploading the video, I can even show you. That is, if this camera works as advertised. Is it weird that I have a camera just so I can blog about asshats in traffic?

I was watching a football game between the New England Patriots and the Detroit Lions when I noticed that the Science Channel was about to run a "How Its Made" episode about oil. So I've switched off the game and am now watching a show about how oil is pumped out of the ground and into tanks. Is this weird?

Seriously? I'm not doing this  

This is more my style

I was looking at watches in the store the other night. I asked the saleslady if it was my imagination, or is it the current trend for men to wear kitchen clocks on their wrists in place of their old wrist watches? These things are gigantic! She said that it was not only true of the mens watches, but the womens as well. Everyone is wearing a giant clock on their wrist sort of like the old black rappers used to wear a clock around their necks on a gold chain for no particular reason. After all, black rappers are notorious for always being late or not showing up at all because they pay no attention to the time. I'm not interested in wearing a giant wristwatch, especially a quartz watch. What I am interested in, though, is an old antique mechanical watch that winds itself using the motion of your arm instead of you having to do it yourself with the little stem and knob. If the watch is gold, even better. And the more jewels it has, like 23 or 25, that's even better still. I don't care if no one else admires the watch I wear. I don't even care if no one else recognizes what it is. All I care is whether I like it or not. Is this weird?

Look! Actual moving parts

Sunday, November 16, 2014


I'm lounging on the couch with my 2nd string laptop eating junk and watching football. There's a little black kitten pressed up against my hip for warmth because its cold in here and she didn't sleep all night. I know she didn't sleep because she yowled at the top of her lungs the entire time, which means I didn't sleep much either. Stupid cats. Why do we have so many cats?

While I was over on YouTube listening to screaming goats I saw a zillion videos by Elizabeth Banks. I love Elizabeth Banks, so of course I stopped watching screaming goat videos to watch her. Apparently another Hunger Games movie comes out in a few days? I saw the first one. I guess I should see the rest. I haven't read the books so I don't know where they're going with this, but as long as Elizabeth Banks is in it I'll stick around.


Speaking of football, how the hell did Auburn University ever get ranked #4 in the nation? I've only seen them play the past 2 weeks, but in both games they were awful. I was shocked. Their defense can't tackle at all and their special teams are even worse. Their offense would be better if their quarterback would stop trying to run the ball so much and let the guys they recruited for that very purpose do it. No one in the NFL is recruiting quarterbacks for their ability to run so it isn't doing him any favors anyway.

Don't you have someone to do this for you?

I just farted and it was rough. I may have to go to the bathroom and check on the damage.

Ebay has made me crazy. I've been bidding like a lunatic on things I don't have any use for (imagine that!) and steadily raising my top bids in frustration at losing in the final seconds over and over. So eventually I'm going to end up paying $400 for something that is actually worth $200 just because I'm mad. Yeah, you wait and see. It's gonna happen.

Losing on Ebay? Throw more money!

I love how more and more cars built for American markets are made of cheaper and cheaper materials, and assume the owners are dumber and dumber. We can't have chromed steel bumpers or thick iron frames, but by God we have computers watching our blind spots and parking for us because, to be honest, half of us are too stupid and incompetent to do these things for ourselves. The more the cars do for us, the worse we get. Pretty soon it won't be an option to have the cars drive for you - it'll be mandatory simply because too many idiots will get their license without actually knowing how to drive their cars. Ah, but the biggest idiot drivers are experts at working a smartphone!

President Obama says he doesn't care who controls Congress because as president  he can just order whatever he wants be done by executive order and it'll be a new law, er, regulation. For those of you who think our government is bound by things like the Constitution and Bill of Rights, Obama's regulations have the exact same effect as legally passed laws, except that they aren't. You'll be arrested and thrown in a federal prison like Guantanamo if they accuse you of breaking them, but there is no actual law passed by your lawmakers that you can read and try to obey. You won't ever know what all the federal regulations are because Obama creates hundreds of new ones each day and doesn't bother telling anyone. You find out about it when armed thugs are kicking in your door and shooting your entire family. This is called "hope and change," "forward," and "fundamentally changing America." By the way, the FBI is now using a fleet of millions of drones to fly overhead and intercept your cell phone signals before it reaches an actual cell tower so Obama's secret police can record all your conversations. Your phone won't tell you its happening because as far as it can tell it connected to a cell tower and is working fine.

"I heard what you said about me."

I used to work for a large Fortune 500 auto parts company. While I was there I purchased the only quality item they ever manufactured - a jacket. I've worn this jacket, with their logo on it, for the past 10 years. Every once in a blue moon someone will see the logo on the jacket and stop me to ask questions about parts they need and whether "we" carry it. Luckily the inventory of the business hasn't changed in a long time so I can still answer their questions fairly accurately, which turns out to be faster than explaining that I don't work there anymore and don't recommend to anyone that they shop there. Yesterday a woman working the register in Lenny's Sub Shop held me up for 10 minutes to ask me about a headlight for her son's scooter. The more we talked the more she eaked out little bits of information that were critical to helping her. Finally she said the scooter was made in China and was really cheap. So then, no, "we" wouldn't carry any parts for that and neither will any of our competitors. Remove the entire assembly and replace it with something better, preferably made of metal instead of plastic and even more preferably not made in China.

"We steal American miritary technorogy and then we make this"

So, the kitten has moved and is now sleeping between my outstretched legs. And I just farted on her. I'll bet she's REALLY warm now.

Friday, November 07, 2014

In Training

What is this? Another post?? Surely something must be wrong! Memphis Steve has posted 4 times in one week! I thought this blog had closed.

No, no, the blog is still going. For now. And yes, it is odd that I have managed to post so many times in one week. But I'll let you in on a little secret ....

I'm not at work. I'm in training all this week.

And this training has absolutely nothing to do with my job. Yes, weird, right? My employer presented me with a list of training classes I could take and said, "sign up for something."

"Sign up for something"

"Well, lovely, except that none of these classes relate in any way to what I do here. And also, most of these classes are going to teach me how to do things that I am expressly prohibited from doing in accordance with federal law and acts of Congress and various such edicts that say what our team is permitted to do and what the other teams are permitted to do. Are you switching me to a different team? No? Well then, I will sign up for this class (clicking on a 5 day class that I know nothing about.) I hope it's fun and exciting (it isn't.)"

And then I promptly forgot all about this episode. It was months ago, after all.

"You have training next week. Did you know?"

Last week, on Friday, my boss came to my desk at 3:30 pm and said, "you have training next week. Did you know?"  No, I did not know. Training for what? "Its from that list we all had to sign up for. Your class is next week. You'll log in from home and take your training there."  Training from home? I'm going to be at home? All week? And sitting at my computer logged into training class? AT HOME? Hmm, this could be good and it could be bad. Either way, it should be interesting.

It hasn't been.

 Oooh, we are creating a 'mount point!' Doesn't that sound erotic? Hurray for training!

So anyway, now you know why I've been able to blog several times this week. On a normal week I'm locked in a secure area, sort of like that guy in "Mission Impossible" from whose computer they copied the 'noc list' while the sexy woman poisoned the guy and sent him sprinting for the bathroom to vomit his brains out. Yes, my office is exactly like that. Except without the sexy woman, Emmanuelle Beart, who stored poison in her pen. Or the shiny walls and floor. And also everyone is wearing a uniform instead of an Armani suit. And none of them have guns. Which seems really odd when you think about it.

Thursday, November 06, 2014

Memphis Grammar Police - Homophobia

(also known as hominids)

Homophobia - an irrational fear of homonids; irrational fear of all human beings (without regard to their sexual habits or orientation.)


Homoerotophobia - an irrational fear of homosexuals and homosexual behavior, and/or being perceived as homosexual (the man in the photograph does not have homoerotophobia.)

As usual, the political crusaders are slaughtering the English language out of raging ignorance and a total lack of concern for the truth.


Ignorance - incomprehension of, unawareness of, unconsciousness of, unfamiliarity with, inexperience with, lack of knowledge about, lack of information about;

Many people today misuse the term 'homophobia' when, in fact, they really mean 'homoerotophobia.' Further, in most instances the rejection of behavior they are labeling as relating to their sexual orientation is, in reality, a rejection of the fact that they are assholes who intentionally stir shit up in hopes of being rejected so they can then claim for themselves the label of 'victim.' The label of 'victim' entitles the bearer to a multitude of prizes and privileges, including financial gain and appearances on Left-wing television programs, such as Oprah or anything on MSNBC. By rewarding assholish behavior, Western culture has, predictably, generated more and more of it, with increasing numbers of people segregating themselves into various 'victim groups' in the hopes of going on a religious/political crusade against perceived 'sinners,' which are merely all those who dare to disagree with the victim groups. The goal is to destroy those 'sinners' rights and freedoms in court, with the help of 'activist  judges.' Activist judges are those judges who blatantly discard the law and issue rulings based on personal feelings and the desire to join a particular victim group in order to reap personal rewards for themselves, such as a book deal or speaking tour, both of which often pay handsomely.  

The more ignorant people there are, the more victim groups there are, all demanding 'social justice', which is merely a kind of revenge for slights both real and (mostly) imagined, and the more activist judges there are shredding the Constitution and Bill of Rights, leaving all homonids of all the Western nations without any rights whatever, and instead replacing those lost rights with government-granted privileges which may be withdrawn at any time by government.

Ultimately, this rampant ignorance leads to the total loss of individual rights and freedoms and the establishment of dictatorship, under which all people are victims, but can expect no relief or recompense for their suffering.


Wednesday, November 05, 2014

IWSG: Another lost copy of my book

The year is almost over and so far I have had 3 separate hard drive failures take my writing and flush it down the black hole of lost data. 3! The most recent was 2 days ago when my newest Dell laptop simply decided that it didn't want to work anymore. So it quit.  Dead hard drive. Again.

Ah, but I got smart, remember? I set up Dropbox to automatically keep backup copies of my book for me for just such an occasion as this! What a smart guy I am!

I went to my desktop and opened up Dropbox. I went to the files for my book. I looked at the date. It's 2 months behind. WTF?!

Dropbox hasn't synced with my story for the past 2 months. I wrote on it the night before the hard drive failed. I don't know how many times I've worked on it in the 2 months since it last synced, but whether it was a tiny amount of work or a large amount, the point is that it failed.

I try to tell myself that all these obstacles, all these failures, will ultimately result in my story being better. I remind myself that since I began writing this the story has grown enormously in my head. But I can't get past the fact that the best writing I ever did, the writing from last winter in Nashville, is lost forever on a hard drive that no one can seem to recover. My BEST WRITING EVER is lost forever. How is this making my book better?

Still, I'm not giving up. If nothing else, I want to finish this original story. In my head it has grown to 6 complete books. It could even be more, and probably will, if things continue in my head like they have. 6 is a lot. But first I have to complete the very first one. And I feel that I am no closer to that than when I started because of all these hardware failures and backup failures.


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