Monday, February 23, 2015

Dear White Trash

Dear White Trash,

I want to thank you for your invaluable contributions to our society.

Your vintage haircuts, keeping the mullet alive single handedly. Good for you!

Your commitment to American pickup truck manufacturers is unyielding. You may not have money for a decent home, child support, a pair of pants or shirt that fits properly, dental care, or shoes for your children, but when it comes to buying a brand new pickup truck, money is no object!

Your amazing parking lot skills are unparalleled. While the rest of us imbeciles drive around searching for a parking space between the normal marked lines, you ingeniously create a spot for yourself by simply pulling your shiny new pickup truck up onto the sideway right in front of the front doors of Walmart, or sometimes sideways across 3 handicapped parking spots up at the very front, always securing for yourself the best possible parking. How smart you are!

Your enormous television set which takes up nearly your entire living room in your house trailer is dwarfed only by the size of your pickup truck. You may not have a decent home or money for your child's diabetes medication, but nothing is going to prevent you from having that 50 inch flat screen 3D high definition television set prominently displayed in your curtainless living room where all the neighbors can see it.  And really, isn't that the whole point?

You have starred in more episodes of "Cops" than almost anyone else in America with the exception perhaps of your black inner city counterparts. If not for you, there probably wouldn't even still be a show called "Cops" because they'd eventually run out of material. Thank God you are there to perpetually provide them with crazy new antics to entertain us all.

Speaking of your willingness to entertain us all, I really do want to thank you for your amazing fearlessness and enthusiasm for alcohol, fireworks and hurling your own body into some of the most insane situations imaginable, always prefacing your acrobatics with a happy "hey ya'll, watch this!" With most people when I see them tumbling head over heels down a cliff, or off the roof of their mother's house, or being burned nearly to death by fireworks, or being hit by a friend's automobile while trying to jump over it on video, I feel some sort of sympathy or concern for their well being. But with you there is no need for sympathy. You need none of it and I feel no sympathy at all. If your latest remarkable stunt doesn't kill or cripple you, we can all rest assured that you will do it again soon enough because you enjoy it. Your IQ may not be high, but your bravery is remarkable.

Here's to you, white trash morons! You don't live very long, thus saving us the cost of your disability payments, health care and eventual imprisonment, and while you are still living you never cease your quest to entertain the rest of the world with inane stunts and clown-like stupidity.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

IDH #43 - Emma Stone

IDH #43 - Emma Stone
Emma went on David Letterman and said "That nude selfie isn't me, I swear." And the audience looked at it and said, "yeah, sure it isn't you. No, yes it is." Anyway, it isn't because of this nude selfie that Emma says is not her even though it is. It's because of those eyes and that face.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Ice, Ice, Memphis Baby

We had lovely spring-liked weather here this past weekend. My maple trees were starting to bud. I knew this was a bad sign because February is technically still very much Winter. I looked at the red buds all over my trees and said "sure as hell, we're gonna have an ice storm before Spring gets here and its going to kill those trees." Come that very Sunday night I got my prophesy - sleet. The temperature plummeted, sleet fell and turned our roads to solid ice.

Monday it was impossible to get out of the driveway. Going to work was not even a consideration. Even when the sun came out and combined with the salt the State put all over the highways it didn't melt enough to make driving safe.

Today I decided to chance it. I got in my car and drove to work. It's quite a long way, with a good bit of it on elevated highway. I knew the bridges would be an adventure, but if they were salted enough I'd make it. The worst part about driving on roads covered in crap is that you invariably end up with a single lane that everyone has used and so you're forced to drive single-file, with the slowest driver dictating the speed everyone has to go.

Single file we go

And then there are the geniuses who get right up to a frozen bridge, wait until they're on the ice, and hit their brakes.

Even more exciting are the geniuses who get on a hill, usually a downhill, and about halfway down they decide to brake. That always turns out well for all concerned. Yep.

But I made it to work. Trying to walk inside across the frozen parking lot was probably the most dangerous part of my entire day. It was worse than an ice rink. I slid all over the place.

Driving home after work, the sun was doing a nice job of helping the salt to clear the salted highways. Even the back roads in my neighborhood were pretty well clear, despite the temperature never going above freezing.

I was almost home when I came upon a man who clearly had spent his snow day off work drinking and playing in the yard. I was going 20 mph when I neared him. He came from his back yard and stagger-walked all the way into the street to wave at me. I slowed to 10 mph as he threatened to step in front of my car. Then I finally heard him shouting "slow down!" I was going 10. Seriously, I have a speedometer and I was going 10. Before that, 20. The road I was on was clear. And the speed limit on the road is 30. As I passed his drunk ass I realized that what he REALLY wanted was for me to stop completely so he could go into a drunken rant about fast drivers. Problem is I wasn't driving fast and had no interest in hearing a drunken redneck slur-shouting like Al Sharpton. Also, I wasn't drunk like he was so my perception of speed and volume wasn't impaired at all. And lastly, I was going home from work, which meant that I wasn't stopping to play reindeer games with any red nosed fool in a baseball cap and camo jumper.

Drankin beer 'n chasin' cars like a dawg

So I drove on home, leaving Rudolph the drunken redneck standing in the middle of the road waving his cell phone around like a fool and shouting at no one in particular, which seems to be a common trend among drunken rednecks. I had noticed several full sized Ford pickup trucks in his driveway. I thought that was ironic and appropriate. Do you know who the only people driving like maniacs on the icy roads this morning were? You guessed it - drunken rednecks in baseball hats, camo jumpers and driving full-sized pickup trucks.  They were not only going like bats out of hell, but they were too impatient with all the rest of us to stay in the only lane that was cleared of ice, which for whatever reason was the right-hand lane. So this morning they were shooting over to the left-hand lane and gunning it. I know they probably have 4-wheel-drive and feel totally confident that this makes them invulnerable to ice. But the only vehicles I saw in ditches along the roadside as I drove into work and home again later this afternoon were full sized pickup trucks. Funny how their 4-wheel-drive couldn't get them out of the ditch.

Rednecks love the woods so much they just drive right into them at full speed

So anyway, the drive home was much better than the drive in to work. Most of the ice has melted off most of the roads. We didn't get any snow, so there's none of that at all. And the sun has been shining brightly all afternoon. Even most of the ice on my poor trees has fallen off, despite the freezing temperatures.

Tomorrow promises to be colder than today. They say we're heading for single digits. The Weather Channel says tomorrow night is going down to 7 degrees. Memphis doesn't do 7 well. I expect my drunken construction-working neighbor is going to do a lot more staying home and drinking with temps like that. And if he goes outside to play in his yard because his wife is fed up with his drunken ranting and stumbling, he's going to be the only snowman in the neighborhood, because his ass is going to freeze solid.

I sure wish someone would drive by so I could yell and stagger around

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

IDH #42 - Missy Peregrym

IDH #42 - Missy Peregrym

I have to be honest here, I put this in draft a long time ago, like 4 years ago, and totally forgot about it. I can't remember what inspired me to add Missy Peregrym to this list. I don't even know where I originally saw her or what she's been in. In other words, I don't remember who she is anymore.

So embarrassing!

Now having said that, I'm not removing her from the list. I mean, clearly she's smokin' hot, whoever she is. So she belongs in this list even so.

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