Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Blowing It Out My Ass



Yes, I'm aware that I haven't written in awhile. I've been busy with lots of crap that isn't even remotely fun.

And also, I have been busy with crap ... just crap, the literal kind.

So I'm sick. I've been sick for about a week and a half. Last week I felt tired all week long. Every time I did a workout I felt like crap. And I got injured. And I kept falling asleep in the middle of meetings. And then the crap began.

Over the weekend I just slept and slept. While I was awake I was shitting my brains out. When I wasn't awake I was in an uncomfortable bed on a worn out mattress that needs replacing. As a bonus, while I was in bed there were cats at the bedroom door wondering why I wasn't letting them in so they could stretch out on their backs in the floor and snore right along with me.

I've missed 2 days of work already. My toilet is about to turn in its resignation. It's done. It's totally worn out.

So that's my excitement for the past week. What have you been up to?


Monday, August 04, 2014

Memphis Movie Review: Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians of the Galaxy

I went to see "Guardians of the Galaxy" Friday night. I won't bore you with the standard summary of the story or any .... no wait, yes I will. But I'll make it fast.

I love wiffle ball!

Dude from "Parks and Recreation" lands on a barren planet and searches through wreckage until he finds a metal wiffle ball. Gang of black dudes show up and try to take it from him, Memphis-style, saying a guy named Ronin wants it. Parks and Rec dude escapes and runs to another planet where a chipmunk-looking guy is supposed to buy it from him. But then Parks and Rec mentions to Alvin Chipmunk that Ronin wants it. Alvin the Chipmunk then refuses to buy it and throw Parks and Rec out.


Just as Parks and Rec is being thrown out, a hot and sexy green woman with no eyebrows spots him. She is played by Zoe Saldana, who was once a hot and sexy blue woman in a much older sci-fi movie. For the sake of clarity I'll simply call her Zoe Saldana, because that is who she is. Zoe sees Parks and Rec and immediately asks him about the metal wiffle ball. He has no idea what it is and tells her so. She informs him that Ronin sent her to get it and that she wants it. He offers to sell it to her, but she simply tries to take it. While they are fighting, a raccoon and his friend, an Ent from Lord of the Rings, whose name is Grok, also join in the fight to take the wiffle ball. The police come and arrest them all.


The whole lot of them are hauled to a prison and forced to wear ugly yellow clothes. Zoe manages to make them look sexy despite how ugly they are. While in prison a professional wrestler from WWE recognizes Zoe as someone important to Ronin. He says that Ronin killed his wife and kids and so he wants to kill Ronin's girl for revenge. But Parks and Rec saves her, convincing WWE Wrestler that it would be smarter to keep her alive and wait for Ronin himself to come try to rescue her. WWE decides that this sounds like a good idea. Meanwhile, Zoe is confused as to why Parks and Rec would save her after she try to kill him to take the wiffle ball, apparently unaware that she has the only vagina in the entire place.


Rocky Raccoon and his Ent friend inform Parks and Rec, Zoe and WWE that he has escaped from every prison he has ever been in and he is going to escape from this one, so if they are interested in getting out, they might help him. They have nothing better to do, so they do. The escape works and they get out.

Ronin wants the wiffle ball and the hot green girl

They travel to a planet made out of the skull of an ancient being and run smack into Ronin. Ronin has sworn to acquire the wiffle ball for a much more powerful man named Thanos. He sent his green woman, as well as a blue woman who is Karen Gillan from Dr Who, to retrieve it. But they have failed so Ronin has come himself. He takes the wiffle ball and also wants his green woman back.

Where's the wiffle ball?

Blah blah blah - lots of carnage and Ronin kicking the crap out of WWE and then Ronin rebels against Thanos and breaks open the wiffle ball to find a glowing green gem inside. Ronin tells Thanos, in effect, "fuck you, I'm keeping the stone and using it myself. Nya!" The stone gives Ronin amazing powers of mass destruction, sort of like the President of the United States or the head of the EPA. Ronin decides to go to the planet where Parks and Rec tried to sell the stone and use it to kill every living thing on the planet. Or as he puts it, in perfect environmentalist-speak, to 'cleanse' the planet.


Parks and Rec and his band of merry men, plus Zoe in sexy leather pants, set out to stop him from his deadly mission. There is a gratuitous shot of Zoe's ass in tight pants, which was greatly appreciated by one and all, and then Ronin is tricked by some Kevin Bacon-style dance moves.


The movie has a happy ending, Zoe's perfect ass is featured a bit more, and then we see a scene at the very end (the VERY end after the credits) featuring The Collector and Howard the Duck. Yes, HOWARD THE DUCK! But you have to wait through all the credits for it, just like you have to do with all of the movies connected to The Avengers' storyline, which, believe it or not, this movie is.


This is a good movie. It's really funny and a lot of fun and its not so ridiculous that you have to suspend all disbelief like some Matt Damon movie.  I give this film 4 stars. It's fun and it features Zoe Saldana's ass in leather pants.   Go see it!

Zoe's ass alone is worth the price of admission to this movie


Sunday, August 03, 2014

Farts and Writing

Maybe I should just write about vampires who love S&M sex with teenage girls?

As some of you know, I've been trying to put together a book. By 'put together' I mean I am writing it from scratch. While I was in Nashville I did some of my best writing. Since then, though, that Dell laptop died and took the harddrive down hard. It is stone cold dead. Nothing can be recovered from it. All of that writing, the best I've done so far, is gone. My only option for getting it back is to pay over $1000 to someone so they can attempt a long, highly complex process to read just the platter. Problem is, my house is under attack and is costing me every penny I have. Thus, $1000 or more to attempt a hard disk recovery simply isn't feasible.  So I wonder, why did I write better while I was in Nashville?

Possibility number one: I was completely alone. I sat in a tiny motel room 5 nights per week with a TV that had few channels, a lousy internet connection, some James Bond books I was reading, and a really ugly carpet. There wasn't much else to do except blog or write. Perhaps being in a strange place inspired more creativity? Perhaps being isolated was the key?

Possibility number two: I was going to Nashville writer's group meetings at least once per week. Sometimes I went to more than one. Some of the writers in those groups were exceptionally talented and made me aware of areas where I needed to improve. Maybe I tried harder?

Possibility number three: I was just SO incredibly bored. It was SO COLD outside the entire time I was in Nashville, below zero every single night, and going outside was extremely unpleasant. I've never been that cold before in all of my life. I swear, it felt like I had spent 2 months in Montana or North Dakota or something. God it was cold. Maybe the change of scenery, being in a strange place, being isolated, feeling inspired to work harder by better writers than myself, and freezing my ass of if I ever left the motel room all worked together to create the perfect writing conditions for me?

I don't know the answer. All I know is that I am now trying to rewrite this damn story for the millionth time. My computer is now perpetually hooked up to the cloud where every word I type is backed up. And yet the words I'm typing just don't seem as good to me, not like the work I did in Nashville.  This is very frustrating. And more than a little discouraging.


So, on a lighter note, this morning I was out in the front yard when I heard the sounds of a horrific fart. And then a little fart. And then another horrific fart. I turned around to find my little girlie cat, Tazzie, having a shit storm on my front lawn. I can honestly say I have never heard a cat fart like that before. Wow! And then she didn't bury any of it. She just ran off like a bank robber.


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